Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Dreamer's Heart in a Planner's Mind

As a product of not being able to sleep, I'd like to take this opportunity to share something that's been on my heart quite heavily for a while now: I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Now, wait a second, before you start thinking that I have no ambition or that I'm lazy or that I'm not good at anything... let me reassure you that it's none of those things. Also, notice that I didn't say "I don't know what I want to do with my life." I know exactly what I want.

That's where it gets a little complicated. See, ever since I was a little girl, shaped by the love of my grandfather, I have only wanted one solitary thing in life. And that is a huge family, a farm, and to live in the mountains of North Carolina. My dream consisted of/consists of: a big old white house with a wrap around porch complete with big. green hanging ferns, rocking chairs and a porch swing, a big garden where we grow our own vegetables like my Paw did, a big red barn and a pasture full of cows and horses, a chicken house (where of course I'd gather the eggs every morning in a flowy floral dress with an apron and a big floppy hat) and a few acres of Christmas Trees.

Since I am an only child and have never really known what it's like to have brothers and sisters, the idea of having a big family (and by big I mean like, 5 or 6 kids) has always been something I could only dream about. I have always pictured my husband coming home from a long days work, meeting him at the door in a dress, heels and red lipstick saying, "Welcome home, honey. Dinner's ready!"

This is the only life I have ever wanted. I could see myself teaching a Sunday School class or leading a women's Bible Study. I have always wanted my home to be a home governed by Jesus and hospitality, full of good smelling food, children, laughter and love to tie it all together.

Now- I know what many of you are thinking... In my dreams, right? Well, that's the thing. See, to me, this whole "life dream/plan" thing has never been just a dream. It's been a plan. And there's a big difference between the two. I know all this seems a bit unreasonable, especially in today's world, where women most always have to work to make ends meet. But I want to tell you that my heart will never truly be satisfied doing anything other than being a home-maker.

So... here I am, a junior in college. I'm a public relations major because I love to write and I'm a good speaker. I'm a photography minor because I love to take pictures. I could do most anything with this degree when I graduate in May 2014 (Lord willing). I could go to Law School, I could work in the Communications or Public Relations department for any organization or corporation, I could be a writer and photographer for a magazine or newspaper... the possibilities are endless. But what do I want? I want to be a stay at home mom.

It makes me fighting mad that people look down on this. I truly believe that this is my calling and for people to insinuate that this desire is the slightest bit "lazy" or petty infuriates me. What greater calling could a woman have than to be a Godly wife and mother?!

This is where my opposition to the feminist mentality comes into play. Don't get me wrong, I feel that men should respect women and I believe that a woman *can* do anything a man can do. But, just because you *can* doesn't mean you should. Women have fought so hard to be equal with men that it is almost expected for a woman to climb the corporate ladder more than men. Children sit in daycares while their mothers sit behind desks when they should be at home loving them, teaching them, nurturing them in a way that only mothers can do. Why have women fought so hard  to bring this so-called "equality" when more often than not it's the children that have to suffer for it?

How many of you feel guilty about what you feel called to do because you feel like you're disappointing someone? Do you feel like what you want is not good enough in the world's eyes? Do you feel like people will look down on you because they think your dream is "too small," even though it is the true desire of your heart? Or, maybe you feel like people will laugh in your face because your dream is "too big." The truth is that you have to hold your calling close to your heart and never let anyone take it away from you because if you do, you're bound to regret it the rest of your life. As long as the Lord directs your path, nothing anyone else thinks matters.

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